grey scale

the apple sauce turned out great. hoping my mum will cook roast and we can dump the sauce on top. i turned some of the sauce to apple jam today. looks promising!

Apple Sauce Recipe

4 apples, peeled and sliced

1/2 cinnamon stick

Sugar to taste

1. put apples into a pot

2. fill with water just enough to cover the apples

3. boil the mixture with the cinnamon stick

4. when the mixture produce a nice apple scent, reduce the fire

5. when the apples are soft, using a sieve to smash the apples into paste

6. continue heating until the mixture thickens.

to make it into a jam, 7 tablespoon full of apple sauce to 1 tablespoon of agar mixture. follow the instructions on the agar mixture.

anyway, i was watching criminal minds last night. one of the episodes caught my attention. about 2 young boys being murdered and another young boy missing. the police blames all 3 on the "mass murderer", while he only committed 2, to protect the "innocent" family.

it just brings a lot of things to mind. i shall not spoil the surprise. this is the link to that episode

http://www.tudou.com/programs/view/oOYTAiyVozA/

today's menu is kimchi. tell me if u want some to sample.

.apple sauce.

been trying to rip the cds that i have. guess what i have 722 over songs and counting. wondering which ipod should i get. haha! just wondering will my computer crash after i load all the songs.

today's adventure is apple sauce. waiting for my mum to finish with dinner before i continue disintegrating the apple. if it taste good, i'll post about it again.

i had a little chat with lionel. it is confirmed baby jeremiah is diagnosis with edward syndrome. putting myself in the same scenario, if i had a baby diagnosis with edward syndrome. what would i do?

i always think life expectancy is the biggest lie we can tell ourselves. from the number of cancer cases or hit and run, i think most part of the population wouldn't be living that long.

does it really matter how long we live?

wouldn't it be more important of the quality of our lives?

what's the purpose of this life? other than to live and proceed to the next life.

how should we live our lives to ensure it is well-lived?

i always think is to do good. to spread god's love. if possible to be the image of god to others.

back to the topic, if i had a baby diagnosis with edward syndrome. what would i do? i wouldn't worry so much about my baby. i will be sure that he would be in heaven when the time comes. regardless of the length of time on earth, if he is able to be god's angle and shine the light of god to others - by strengthening the community in prayer. i think my baby would have a well-lived life. if my baby will survive, i'm sure god will provide. he will not give a cross that we can not carry.

in the meantime, i will enjoy the time spent every hour, every minute, every second with my baby. compared to the mothers who are so busy with life, work and etc, and baby die from complications of child birth, - I AM MUCH LUCKIER.

the same theory goes. happy are those who has cancer, they have their chance to say a goodbye. compared to those who die suddenly, due to hit-and-run or heart attack *just like my friend*, they are lucky!

guess what's cooking?

my history of cooking includes scones that appears like stones and green bean soup that turn out to be black been cake at the bottom. defrosting pork which turns out to be fish, etc.

i had the craving for popeye's biscuits. i googled it and tried my hand at it. it was really good. frankly, not as good as the one from popeye's. but it's good enough to have 3 at a go with jam.

this is the recipe.

2 cup of self-rising flour

125 g of butter (i used 50g butter and 75g of sour cream)

125 g of 7-up

1 pinch of salt (if u like it more salty, like popeye's, 2 pinch of salt)

you can add any herb (2tsp of thyme) or nuts or cheese.

instructions

1. add flour to butter and salt, using rubbing in method.

2. add 7-up to mixture

3. add all the herbs and extra stuff.

4. roll out onto a floured work surface and roll or press into a 3 inch in diameter roll.

5. cut with knife (1/2 inch). flour the knife to cute smoothly.

6. place cut biscuits in pan with baking sheet

7. bake at 230degree until golden brown (12-15 mins).

This bakes 13 scones in 30 mins. best eaten with JAM and butter!!!

by far, baking is the MOST THERAPEUTIC for STRESS RELIEF!

*joyce you can bake it too, really simple.

.as it is. *reprise*

haha.

after reading the below entry and wondering if i am okie. YES! I am okie. other than my running nose and sleepy. feel great.

i have been arranging and composing songs for a while now and wondering if i should arrange "king of kings" at all. i some what feel that it is no longer my song. the purpose of the entry is not to defame or finger point at anyone or expect any apology. *that's why they remain anonymous.*

the purpose of the entry is to

1. thank the people who stood by me

2. in any interaction between people, there bound to have friction. focus on god and have faith in the work of His Hands.

3. share with you story behind a song. it may not always be happy and fun. many times it brings tears. that brings growth and depth in the song. every song is a part of me. every tune. every melody is not coming from the air but great thoughts have gone into everyone of these songs.

4. share the song. i don't think i should just keep this song for myself. it's a great song i love it so much. if i ever had an album, this song would be in and would be final song. it would be more grand than what you heard below.

5. i understood that forgiveness and letting go are 2 different things all together. i have forgiven years back. now, i finally let go.

i'm relax.

it's bravery. it's graces.

i remind myself of Aaragon of the lord of the rings. to be able to live up to the life. i love it when he finally faced up to his kingship and took up the sword of xxxxxx.

no song writing for a these 2 days. i'm on "MC". hee hee. i really need time to rest and get well before thursday. I'm excited to see Joanne and Pei. Just want to show them the nice hair. We get to eat Jap food. I just love Jap food.

little jedi, our birthdays is coming!

.as it is.

2005

my ex-bf and i were so inspired by don moen's "Wonderful Magnificent God" that we decided to write a worship song. it was on our list of things to do before going to army. so one wednesday, we composed the song "King of Kings".

Early June 2006

at that point of time work was killing me. i always had ambition - i'm going to make a difference. do such a great job etc. doing a great job requires a lot of commitment. i had to be in the office at 8:30am. i only left at 11:00pm - trying to sort out all the paper work inheritance i was left with. that was life for 5 months. it took a lot of courage just to throw in the white towel - to admit that this will not do, everything was suffering. i barely saw my family or have any time to do anything.

18 June 2006

my aunt from states was back in singapore for a holiday. since i was quitting, she suggested that i followed her back to states. i have never seen anyone so persistent. i agreed only if we can take the same flight. booking international and domestic 1 week before departure seems impossible. thinking a loud - if i were to go, i might miss my ex-bf's birthday. a lot of mixed feelings. next min, ticket booked.

23 June 2006

it was the last day of work. my analyst and boss bought me my swarovski necklace. i met up with Jayawi and my ex-bf for dinner. that night we broke up. the reason being his mother thinks i am not a good daughter-in-law.

it was the longest night. i remember asking if we patch back. Yes, the knife was plucked out. there was a relief. Later a phone call, No. The knife was backed in. Knife going out and in for three times. i remembered crying. crying when i woke up. crying myself to sleep.

26 June 2006

i was at the airport going to states. i remembered a few people there. till then, i couldn't cry anymore. my eyes were swollen. i told myself i shouldn't cry anymore - i am making the people around me worried. my cousin was there. he was crying too. he had school and couldn't go to states.

we swam a lot. ate a lot of chips. washed a lot of clothes. cooked dinner. ate pizza *almost every other day*. shopped for fishes. played game cube - sherk and mario party. went shopping. seen 4th July parade at washing DC. saw the white house. went to museums. saw grandfather mountain. visited mystery house. surf-boarded. loved the ocean. but the heart was pinning for the one person in singapore.

14 August 2006

i extended at NY alone. luged 2 luggage - 45Kg and 18 kg. saw the statue of liberty. watched a musical - fantasticks. seen the biggest hershey chocolate. shopped. walked around central park. saw ground zero. but the heart was pinning for the one person in singapore.

17 August 2006

back in singapore. everything was the same, yet so different. the mall changed. my family changed. the lift changed. the landscape changed. everything is the same, yet so different.

23 August 2006

the choir is going to sing 'King of Kings'. the worship leader was asking my ex-bf if the choir sang well enough to do it on 4th saturday. "it is after all your song. you give the go ahead." bianca stood up for me, "it's also Madeleine's song. how come no one asked her?". i was really thankful. but no one heard.

the song has become a version that i couldn't even sing. it's the same, yet so different.

i had so many questions

"why did you guys break up?"

"you look so good together?"

"you guys composed a great song. why break up?"

"you were made for each other?"

"why did you break up with him?"

if i had a choice, i wouldn't.

if i had a choice.

26 August 2006

i was going to play the "King of Kings". really excited. been practicing for a long time for it. although it is a long that i no longer knew, i was happy. but during practice, the worship leader asked my ex-bf to play it instead. he was leaving for a bbq. he stayed and played it instead.

that was really my breakpoint. i was invisible. the group i loved so much, yet i was so invisible to them. i was expecting love and i was so deeply hurt. i had nothing. i remembered going to the adoration room and cried my eyes out. i asked god why. why me? why so unfortunate? why do i have a mother-in-law that doesn't like me? why didn't my ex-bf stand out and tell everyone that this song doesn't just belong to him? we composed it together. i had nothing.

no family - because of my long hours of working, i didn't know anything about them.

no job - because i quit

no boyfriend, and the future we planned

no church group

not many friends - after the levi's incident

no song

i had god.

just before the sat service, the worship leader introduced the song "this song was written by our keyboardist, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx." applause.

end of 2006

everything was an uphill climb. i had so much fear for his mum. i remember tearing when i saw an aunty that looks like his mum boarding the same lift. since then, i don't board the same lift as her. or talk to the aunty at choir that looks like her.

what makes things worst, i didn't eat much. everything in singapore reminds me of him. after all, it was been 2 years. i only eat things that reminds me of states - of happier moments without him. my life ambition was run away from singapore and to go back to states. there is nothing in singapore for me.

2007

some random book that i read

"love is dessert. the main course is your vocation - god's calling."

this started my journey to my main course. reuben has been the source of my encouragement. he suggested taking counseling. guess what the best schools are in states. as my dad's request to take the counseling course offered by the church. i couldn't attend choir since wednesday was counseling lesson. i joined amplify. i really enjoyed myself. the bunched of people that just loves god and each other so much. the worship would send us the mp3 to prepare for the session. every musician has a say in the music. we would practice until everyone gets it. it's a lot of love. long hours of practice.

end june 2007.

it was a difficult decision. i was working. this is a part time job to get income to plan my next step. i was really sluggish about counseling. it was already the end of my term at amplify. really wondering if i should join them. confused in my decision. in my conversation with kelvyanne. she said,

"whatever decision you make, make sure you are running towards your goal

... and not running away from something."

i made my decision to face what i left behind. i'm back looking for my "main course"

had a someone special. we broke up after my holiday with benedict at hong kong, since he can't forget his girlfriend that left him 5 years ago. soon after he had another gf. perhaps, the test of a relationship is holidaying. that really brought up a lot things that i have yet let go.

the wonders of comfort zone is amazing. working was nice. not really something that would do forever, but it was comfortable money. the idea of "main course" took a backseat. one thing that always popped out is medicine. i always wanted to be a doctor since secondary school. studying biology in JC is a must. but knowing that i can't continue was really painful. medicine was bugging me.

i was asked to play the "King of Kings" - oh how does it go?

why do u take out the new chords of the song and ask me to play and sing it.

how would i know?

you never asked if i want the song to be changed in this way?

you never saw me during practices or when you sang that song?

you never asked me to play it?

why do you take out the new chords of the song years later and ask me to play and sing it?

2008.

i was heading a big project. crazy emperor / ban main. i told myself - i'll quit after bonus and go to seven fountains to pray. medicine was bugging me more and more. had the decision to go ahead and study for it. i had so many doubts - i have a comfortable job, it's hard to get in, MCAT exams, letters of referral and what would the ppl in the office think if i took leave to study for a non-finance related exam, etc. but without my initial idea of counseling, i wouldn't have the courage to do medicine.

i took leave and i studied.

i didn't do well. wondering if i should get letters of referrals at all. i really prayed for a 2nd chance. guess what, i am able to retake. i studied through my birthday, after work, during the weekends, during benedict's exams, during christmas... and almost during my trip to taiwan.

getting the letter of referrals would be toughest, considering i'm not close to any of my profs. i'm really thankful to god for Sylvia, Prof Ser Keng, Sok Sin and Yin Fun, who wrote for me. that i really prayed very hard for.

Jan 2009

i receive the letter from the admission office. according to them, i do not have enough research background. regardless of the outcome of the coming MCAT test, i would be rejected anyway. i headed to the adoration room to pray. i was reflecting and realized how different i am..

instead of asking god "why?" or asking "why are you playing a trick on me, giving a 2nd chance and now taking it away" , i was thankful. thankful for the graces that i had. grace to focus and dependent on god alone during the long hours of studying. so faithfully. it's a grace to know that i am god's child. i was the same, yet different

Oct 2009

this same grace which i have received at IOL retreat. uncovered these hurts of a song that i love and hurts in my heart for my church i loved.

in the blog entry, all is forgiven. all is loved. all is let go off.

for everything that is the same, yet different. this is the song, King of Kings, as it is composed with love in 2005.

King of Kings

Arraged by Madeleine Tan and Valerie Chua (2006)

things of sure (in no order)

1. korean drama is very real. like winter sonata, your mother-in-law can cause a break-up

2. reality of life, there is no patch up. it's all a movie.

3. god is alive.

heee hee

in the silence

i found these words that andrew emailed me meaningful. i find a lot of meaning, comfort, strength in the silence.

in the silence (verses)

In the silence of your time

You gave me life

In the silence of my mind

You revealed your truths

In the silence of my heart

You showed your love for me

In the silence of my being

You drew me home to thee

why only the verses? cuz it's time to sleep and rest. good night to all. good morning all those in states. its a good day today.

the wind. the stream. the sun.

menu for today

i was flipping through all my other instrumentals that i "wrote" mainly inspired by kelvin kern and david lanz. (of course my fav is still david lanz.) this just the verse of my half composed song "love" which i wanted to do the wedding vow as lyrics.

the verse became the melody to the song.

i had to flip through some lyrics uncle andrew past to me a long time ago. Some thing that he kind of strike off. but it totally fits what i experience at IOL. i wrote:-

"glorious sunrise that lifts the darkness.

the majestic waterfall that fills and nourishes as it passes"

this is for god the father. mainly how i imagine god the father to be.

like gentle wind lifting us up

like the flowing stream, nourishes always life giving

and his love is as sure as the sun rising from the east.

after composing, i realized the melody is kind of the same. oh wells. took me so long to realize since both parts are in different keys. it's a really simple song.

p.s. it's totally like an instrumental with lyrics. the first 3 sec tells it all.

Almighty God

Almighty God (Acu)

Lyrics: Andrew Soong and Madeleine Tan

Melody: Madeleine Tan

verse 1

D A/C#

like a gentle wind

C G/B

You blow deep within

Bb F Dm

Lifting the tears and pain

G A

renew me once again

D A/C#

like the flowing stream

C G/B

You flow deep within

Bb F Dm

Nourish with your living water

G C

satisfy my need

Chorus:

F C/E

Almighty God

Dm C

All power and majesty

Bb F Dm

your steadfast love for me

Gm C

like the sun rises from the east

F C/E

father and king

Dm C

creator of all of me

Bb F Dm

gave me life through your son

Gm C F G A

so i can truly live in thee

Creation and Creator

.IOL session.

i had a great time at IOL session. Sister XXX and Father XXX (I forgot their names) would play the song and we would reflect on the words, etc. it is amazing how different words appeal to different people. the long echo-y hall, songs played at mid range. it's really inaudible. but wonder of it all is that we heard different things. as a musician, it takes conscious effort to focus on music as a whole and not just breaking things down into keyboards. lyrics. music. guitars. etc. just appreciate everything as a whole.

.revolution and song writing.

been trying to write a song " I WILL RISE AGAIN". i was really inspired by one of the phrase that father william said during a talk. about with god's love, we will rise again to greater glory. had the lyrics and melody. then the lyrics seems confused. changed was needed. then melody and lyrics don't flow. i realized during the retreat is that my lyrics is focus on man's negativeness to reflect god's good. but, god is good. there isn't a need to highlight his graciousness through man's action. he is good. we will rise again only with his grace. it's interesting point that i realized.

.the silence.

i love the silence. it is real treat to have silence, especially during service. music aka silent music = playing something. the silence is wonderful. feel god's presence in the stillness of the air. feel his presence in the people who are also seeking for him. feel his presence in the wonderful of living and non-living things. i just love the silence.

.creation and creator.

this song business is really addictive. especially when the mac and motif are finally talking to each other. it's almost like a full time job. i wake up early and sleep equally as late. one thing to confess, i don't sleep enough since all the recording. in the pursuit of creation, i totally forgot creator and to take care of myself. weathered. sore throat.

This isn't the julie/julia project. This is a Madeleine/Mac/Motif/Music journey to worship god. These are the 2 songs re-done. enjoy.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star (String reprise) - Click here

A prayer of thanksgiving - Click here

p.s. if you have not watched julie/julia movie. go catch it.

my gift to baby jeremiah

I decided last night to arrange a song for baby Jeremiah.

Before he was formed, he was loved by God. And now, he is loved by his amazing parents, wonderful brothers, many family and friends. May he, like this arrangement, rise in god's glory and in His Love.

This may not be as nice as David Lanz, but it's my little gift to baby Jeremiah.

This is the link to the song - Twinkle Star

A prayer of thanksgiving

i wrote this song a long time ago - since the "I love banana" days. I was really inspired by Jenny.

i was wondering what song would be befitting of our father. imagine myself as a parent, the best present that my child can give is "thank you" . to thank god for all the wonderful things he has given to us. the trials that are in our way to help us grow. or just the shelter from the crazy world.

it would be most appropriate to start with this song. as you listen to this song, i hope you would remember to thank the people around you, esp your parents.

A PRAYER OF THANKSGIVING

G Em

AS WE CLOSE OUR EYES, OH LORD

D C

AND OUR HEARTS STILL

G D

WE ARE DRAWN INTO YOUR PRESENCE

C D

OF MERCY AND GRACE

Am D

AS WE THINK OF YOUR GREAT GOODNESS

Am D

AS WE MARVEL AT YOUR LOVE

Am C

WE WANT TO GIVE YOU PRAISE

D C D

AND THANKS FOREVER MORE.

CHORUS:

G G/B

FOR YOU ARE OUR STRONGHOLD

C9 D

THE LIGHT IN THE DARK

G G/B

FOR THE WARMTH YOU’VE GIVEN TO US

C9 D

IN THE COLDEST OF NIGHTS

Em D

AS WE RIGHTLY GIVE YOU THANKS

C Am

IN EVERY BREATH WE TAKE

C

MAY IT BE A PRAYER OF

D G C D C

THANKSGIVING TODAY

C

MAY IT BE A PRAYER OF

D G

THANKSGIVING TODAY

my first recording

this is my first time in recording - kuan huai fang shi

toys that i owned are too high-tech for me

salute all music producers, sound man etc.

the art and craft week is over. it's time for composition week, which is the main aim of my "holiday". trying to connect my motif to my mac the whole weekend proves to be the most painful thing.

first, i had to hunt down the wires that came with the keyboard - which is still lost. Shop for some replacement wires *which according to Gavin* should work. Like all non-techie, i plug the usb wires from the keyboard to my mac and WALA - it doesn't work. of course, i then had to hunt down the instructions manual. one possible downfall of this installation process is i don't read instructions manual.

skimming thru, there is an installation disc. more hunting to do. after which the mac says no installation - cuz the software is outdated. okie. back to the instruction manual (DVD) - which i found. Oh, there is a website for all motif owners. OKIE try there. of course, non of which makes much sense. Even if i want to install something - i really have no clue which is the one.

conclusion

the mac doesn't talk to motif.

Madeleine is not talking to the mac AND the motif.

annoyed!

trying to make the best of what i have. i record via monitor - which is really traditional, man! Imagine, maddie in my room with door and window closed. no fan and no air-con *which it's too loud* and trying to record just a simple song.

I really thank god for the music producers and sound person. it's really a tough job trying to make everyone sound good. it is so much easier to write a song or even play a song as a band. but make everyone sound good is really a gift. i didn't realise the complexity of this whole thing. thank god for these patient people. one thing i am clear, it is not a gift that i have.

performing and composition is still for me.

faith.hope.love

.rediscovering faith

.looking at my perth photos really bring back the memories of going around asking for help. it was such a time when i rediscovered faith is. having the confidence that things will work out for the better. it may not always as what you have plan but often it is what that is best for you. just look at the perth trip or covering my other colleagues. it is just great signs of what faith means.

.rediscovering hope

i am on a journey to discover what hope is. perhaps it will take a while. i remember father often say - faith and hope comes together. maybe i have already discovered it and not realized it. but i am excited to rediscover hope.

.rediscovering love

then, maybe, one day, i will rediscover love

.the last chapter. - .the new chapter.

.the last chapter.

the last two weeks of work has been quite hectic. most normal people in normal organizations, would be relaxing. work would have been reassigned by then. maybe answering questions here and there like a consultant. job description would mainly focus on packing and shredding papers.

.the last chapter.

having to cover my colleague for one week, i barely have enough time to hand over. I covered whatever I could on wednesday and thursday. By then, I have shifted out of the private and confidential room to the "pantry". it is more like the party area - where we put the communal food and etc. it was quite fun working there. i spent most of my time looking at the moon cake boxes placed in front of me. after all the explanation on wednesday and thursday and test cases writing on tuesday, i had meetings to attend both thursday and friday. what value add can a person who is leave add/gain f

rom the meeting?

.the last chapter.

after the last meeting on friday, 17:30. I came back to the office packed my stuff for the last time. i walked in my private and confidential room for one last time. trying to remember the small little table that i sat for the last 9 months. there wasn't any surge of emotions to hold back. i was happy, smiling and wishing everyone in the room good bye. it was kind of fun. going out of the room to my new colleagues for the past 4 days. my eyes were filled with tears that i was trying to hold back. they walked towards me with hugs and best wishes. it is so unlike the room, where i had to walk in and say my goodbyes. my new colleagues for 4 days brought fond memories. maybe i wasn't working with them and hence, less friction and more happy memories. it is a very interesting experience.

.the new chapter.

this is, of course, the new chapter of my life. i have 6 weeks till my changmai r

etreat. after which, i would have to focus on my calling. 6 weeks. i had many 6 weeks. most of which it is spent in vain or useless and uneventful endeavours. for start, i've plan my timetable. the last time i want to do is to sleep "early" in the morning and wake up "early" afternoon. this week is to do art and craft stuff i.e. travel book for perth trip, photo frame for jeannie and co

usin's wedding pictures for my gramps. but i am sure looking forward to the new songs that i am going to do the new few weeks. I hope the mac doesn't kill me by then.